“Death Rides A Horse” song by Ennio Morricone
I woke up this morning and immediately thought of whether I could come up with anything to write today. There was a fear there; a fear that was taught to me by my mom: the “Fear Of God”. My mind rushed back to when I was 10 years old, and my brother and I were sitting at the dining table. My mom was teaching us. I sat there thinking. After combing through the glut of thoughts of video games and comic books, I randomly thought to ask a question. I knew not to blurt it out though. “Try and get in in when she grasps for my breath John!” my brain yelled out to me. You see, getting a word in with my mom can sometimes prove a difficult task. Wait! Oh shit! There’s my opening!
“So does that mean being afraid or scared of him?”, I asked.
She responded gently, “No son. It means respect.”
With that concept and abstract notion of respect I rose out of bed and went to take my medicine. My mind still in kind of a post-sleep haze, I went to grab my iPhone, and I summoned a playlist that I could snort or swallow and get my day going.
I started to think of Clint Eastwood. Fistfull Of Dollars. Movies my dad loved and made sure to share that love with me. I thought of my dad, and I sitting inside on a relaxing, golden and rust colored Sunday afternoon out in the middle of nowhere in Vail, Arizona watching, “Good The Bad And The Ugly”. To be reminded of that once again, I put on some of the songs.
Vail, AZ
Sunset in Vail, AZ. Thanks Dad π
Ahhhh. So much better. π
Now, back to the story.π I proceeded to get dressed, hop in the car, and take off onto the raceway in front of my apartment complex (yes, I’m still in an apartment complex because I have had to move 4 times in the past few years just to keep my job, get promoted, survive, and all while there is a recession going on that seriously hurt our generations’ upward mobility). As I was lost in a haze of music, my phone rang at 7:20 am on a Saturday morning. Some might consider that a tad early; I am one of those freaking people. Lol. Anyway, its one of those calls where you gotta press “5”, so I begin to converse with my captured brother.
I can tell he is hiding something from me. He’s not paying attention to me. He says things like, “I love you”, but they come across cold, indifferent, and disingenuous. I know something is the matter, but no one broaches the subject, which actually would have done some good-like a whale coming up for a gasp of air. My emotions could best be described by Kanye West’s “Real Friends”.
“
“I hate when a nigga text you like, “what’s up, fam, oh you good?”
You say, “I’m good” then great, next day they ask you for somethin’
So now I get to start my day with my heart stinging a little. A mix of missing someone. It tastes like a smoothie. One where you take a blender and mix up emotions like nostalgia, happiness, sadness, depression, and joy-whereupon you then select the “grind” setting beginning the high pitched tortorous screaming sounds that vacillate back and forth between that and an irritating screech on the chalboard; then it all settles down in complete peace at the end-like a night so dark outside in a neighborhood with no lights and you look up at the sky and can see all the stars. There is a soft breeze washing over everything, and there is no sound.
Complete silence.
Now mix those feelings, that phone call, and the smoothie I brought up from before; as Jay-Z said, “You are now dealing with one smart black boy.” In other words, that is what went into this photo attached to this piece of writing here, and it describes perfectly what I’m feeling at this moment, and what I wanted to express; that is the mixing of high and low; like the Michelangelo exhibit I saw last week: a collection of pieces that were titled “Sacred and Profane”. Like all my sins mixed with my repenting soul. Still, sometimes I punish myself with guilt when I think of my brother. Its hard to enjoy things and be happy when those you love are so far from you and are struggling. So I had to put it in my writing, and I had to put it in my clothes: the mixing of high & low; high fashion with the street and the desert. Its an impossible mission, but failing towards expressing it perfectly feels so good. Its almost like there is another dichotomy of high & low again coming to me again: something that seems bad at first when you fall on your face, but its so rewarding to get back up again.
I think its a sign.ππΎ
Yves Saint Laurent oversized plaid shirt in blue and black tartan plaid cotton; John Elliot Co “The Cast 2” jeans in zinc color; 4 year old John Varvatos boots
Recto plan for the Church Of San Giovanni dei Florentini in Rome (1559-1560)
“Sacred And Profane” by Michelangelo.